Mac's Not Herself

Month 15 Day 5

0732 Hours

Bugalu

Bugsy reached out and touched Della's arm as she walked past his breakfast table. "Where's Mac this morning?"

"She should be along any minute, I would think," Della answered. "She had a letter this morning, and took the time to read it, but as pale as she got, I don't think it was good news. I mean, she was already pale when she got up, so her session with the healing ray last night must have really been the pits. So take it easy on her, Bugsy, cause she's not having a good day." She looked around the mess hall and added, "Yeah, there she is, getting her breakfast. See ya." She moved on, and Bugalu had no chance to protest that he simply wanted to converse with his adopted sister, not chew her out.

But the fact that Della expected him to chew Mac out made him wonder if there was something she'd done he wasn't aware of. It seemed to him that she'd settled into a fairly normal human being, compared to how she was at the Academy. Maybe, if she was having a difficult day already, and it had hardly even started, he should point out the progress she'd made.

Mac slipped into one of the empty chairs at his table. She had a stack of toast, a bowl of oatmeal and a hot tea on her tray. All her comfort breakfast foods. And she does look pale, although she's tried to hide it with a touch of blusher. Unfortunately, it makes the paleness of the rest of her face that much more noticeable.

She hadn't even greeted him when she sat down, hardly seemed aware of him as she stirred sugar into her oatmeal with her left hand, her eyes downcast.

"Good morning," he greeted her.

"Yeah," was her mumbled response.

"Della said you got a letter this morning."

"Um, yeah."

She's awfully quiet this morning. If the letter was bad news from home, she'd probably be telling me about it. "She seemed to think it might be bad news."

"Depends."

He took a bite of his corned beef hash before he tried again. "Want to talk about it?"

She shook her head, dunked her toast in her tea and bit off the soggy bit. "Still trying to wrap my head around it." And she was still mumbling, as if she were afraid someone might overhear her.

Bugs leaned forward and lowered his voice to match hers. "What are you trying to wrap your head around?"

She glanced up at him, panic in her eyes, and then furtively looked around, trying to catch eaves-droppers in the act. Finally, she leaned closer to him and whispered, "Kolla's pregnant!"

He blinked. That's usually good news. She never has any difficulty making that announcement about one of her sisters-in-law. But I think she identifies more strongly with Kolla than her sisters-in-law, so maybe it's more... personal to hear it about Kolla. He took a drink of his orange juice and pointed out, "She is married."

"Yes, she is," she agreed, and he thought he heard a slight emphasis on 'she'.

He sat back in his seat, his breakfast momentarily forgotten as his mind whirled with thoughts about how badly unmarried mothers were treated on Gaelund. But Kolla wasn't from Gaelund, and she was married, so it didn't apply to her. "What's this about, Mac?"

She took another bite of soggy toast, stirred her oatmeal and finally sat up straighter, less like somebody caught doing something illegal. "Not much, really. I'm just upset because I had a killer session with the healing ray last night, and here I am, still in my sling, not showing any indication that I've made any progress with the shoulder at all."

He studied her for a long moment, noticed that her gaze veered toward the captain's table, and then jerked back to him. "You're getting better at lying," he decided, and took a sip of his juice. "It's okay if you're not ready to talk to me. Just remember that when you are ready, I'm here for you."

She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and let it out. "Thank you, Bugalu."

She called me by my actual name. She really is upset. "What about a movie tonight? It's been a while since we've done that."

She shoved a large spoonful of oatmeal in her mouth, probably to give her time to think before she answered. "Gee, I don't know. I don't want someone to make a scene like he did the last time."

"You're not engaged anymore," he pointed out. "You don't have to do anything just to please him."

"True," she agreed, and sipped her tea. "Let's decide on the movie later, okay? I'm so blasted tired of this sling, I may not be fit company to be with anyone tonight."

"Sure, just let me know. I might not be able to order a pizza, if you wait too long."

"Oh. Pizza." She took another sip of her tea. She hadn't sounded enthusiastic about the prospect of their routine ending to a movie night. What can possibly have her that upset? "Well, if we do see the movie, and you can't get a pizza ordered, we could maybe have something else, instead."

"Sure," he agreed. "It doesn't have to be pizza." It is always pizza! Ham and pineapple pizza. She's never even considered having something else!

"Oh, Beth!" she greeted the Head Nurse as she walked past, and having gotten Temple's attention, she invited her to join them.

Beth hurriedly took a seat. "Thanks. You don't mind if I eat in a hurry, do you? I've got to get maintenance to look at my alarm. I am never late to work, not like some people I could name."

"I'm not late getting to work," Mac protested feebly.

"I wasn't talking of you," Beth told her as she cut into her egg and potato casserole. "But we have figured out what happened to your after-drink the first time you were under the healing ray. And the lack of an escort to see you got home okay can be laid on the same head."

"That's nice," Mac told her without interest. "Listen, I've been meaning to get together with you, have a little girl-to-girl time, just the two of us."

"Me?" Beth asked, and glanced at Bugs, who gave a slight shrug. He had no idea what was on Mac's mind. Beth drank some of her coffee. "Sure. We could do that, sometime."

"How about tonight?" Mac asked eagerly, startling Bugalu. "I'm still recovering, and most of my usual methods of entertainment aren't available to me. Please say yes. It would give me something to do."

Beth chewed and nodded her head, glanced at the wall clock. "Okay. What do you want to do?"

"Talk. Privately. Your place? About 1930?"

Still nodding, Beth shoved another bite into her mouth and chewed hurriedly. "Okay. My place. See you then."

"Thank you, Beth. I won't be late." Mac glanced at the clock herself, and hastily shoved another spoonful of oatmeal into her mouth. "Hurry up, Bugs, or you'll be late."

So it was that the 3 of them wolfed down a few more bites, gulped down their drinks and went their separate ways. Once Bugs got on the lift with others headed for the bridge, he wondered about Mac's strange behavior. Obviously, she's upset about something, but since when does she pass up a movie night for a girls' night in? And especially why would she practically beg for that girls' night?

Try Again

 Month 15 Day 4

1959 Hours

Tall Bear

Bear took his arm from around Beth's shoulders as he caught sight of Lt Cmdr Smythe standing in the hallway ahead. He was mildly surprised that Beth didn't complain about the loss of his arm, but she wasn't like most other women. She didn't usually encourage public displays of affection, but kept them all for private times.

"I wonder what he's doing here," Beth muttered.

I would think that's obvious, Bear thought to himself. Does Mac know he's here? He wants to keep her on a tight leash, and she's refusing all his overtures, so far. I'm pretty sure it's driving him crazy, but what's it doing to her? She hates being pursued. At least, hates it when she doesn't want the man. But she was engaged to Smythe once. Guess it all depends on her emotions. And she's got a lot of that in her.

"Good evening, Beth," Smythe greeted as they got closer. "Tall Bear."

"Has there been an accident in engineering?" Beth asked him.

"No, I just..." He cleared his throat. "I just came to check on Colleen. I understand she's undergoing the healing ray again this evening."

"Exactly why I'm here," Beth told him. "We might as well go inside and wait in the lobby." She plucked at Bear's sleeve as she headed inside, a sure indication she expected him to follow her, which he did. He'd made a commitment to Mac, and he wasn't going back on it.

Inside the lobby, they could hear Dr Davis' firm voice coming from the treatment room. "Drink it all."

"I'd rather have food." Mac's voice sounded somewhat confused and definitely exhausted.

"You're mostly asleep now, and it's been only a couple minutes since we turned off the ray. I'll see if I can find someone to help you get home, and you can sleep in your own bed."

"Tall Bear should be... waiting for me." Her thoughts seemed slow to form, and her words were a little slurred, as if she were falling asleep.

"Finish drinking, and I'll go see if he's here." In another moment, the doctor came to the lobby. "Oh, good, you are here," she said directly to the AmerInd.

"Mac sounds pretty out of it," he commented. "Don't know how she managed to make it to the mess hall and then home the last time."

"This session with the healing ray would have been even worse than last time," Beth explained. "Last time, they were treating a bruise. A severe bruise, but only a bruise. This time they were treating a torn ligament. Imagine 3 hours of feeling your muscles, connective tissues and bones all writhing within you."

Smythe shuddered and muttered, "I remember."

Dr Davis turned to the engineer. "She's still in a sling. I want her to keep wearing the sling until we see how much she's healed from this session. So, at least until her noon physical therapy session. She's built more densely than the average human, so I don't know how much good the healing ray might have done."

Smythe sighed with a touch of frustration. "I had hoped that by now—"

"I understand," Dr Davis told him. "There's not much information in the Fleet medical library about healing rays used on Gaelunders. Possibly because there aren't many Gaelunders in the Fleet. What information that exists is about healing broken bones, and seems to indicate they are healed at a slower rate than regular humans. Probably because they are more dense. But she got her after-drink, so she won't be starving. We'll know more about what tonight has accomplished after she sleeps."

"Well, then, that's what we'll do," Smythe said, because, really, what else could he say?

"Tall Bear, are you prepared to carry her?" Dr Davis asked. "She was trying to fall asleep as she drank. She might even be asleep by now. We could just bed her down here for the night."

Bear lightly flexed his back muscles and rolled his shoulders. "I'm ready," he declared. "She sleeps better in her own bed, which is equipped with heavy gravity. This isn't the first time I've had to carry her there."

"Well, then, she's in there," the doctor pointed, then turned her attention to Beth. "Did you need something, Temple?"

"I just wanted to make sure she got her after-drink," Beth stated. "Somehow, it got overlooked the first time she had the healing ray."

"As I told MacGregor, I don't understand how that happened. That's why I gave it to her myself this time."

"Good. That's my only reason for being here. Thanks for the company, Bear, I'll see you later."

"See ya around, Beth," he answered and walked into the treatment room.

Mac looked sound asleep, but half-opened her eyes as he stepped close to her. "TB, I'm not sure..." She reached out, as if to roll herself off the examination table.

"Don't even try it," he told her, gently pushing her to lay on her back again. "I'll get you home, just like I promised."

"But I thought..."

"That you'd be able to walk at least part of the way. Doesn't look like it. Don't worry about it." He picked her up, uncertain how much of what he'd said she had heard, for she certainly seemed sound asleep. Her head rolled and hung down behind her, as did her arm. Yeah, she's all sprawled out and a dead weight. He turned to start out, only to find Smythe in his way.

The engineer took a moment to raise Mac's head and rest it against Bear's shoulder, then placed her arm so that her hand was on her abdomen. "Is that better?" he whispered.

"Yeah," Bear agreed. Smythe got out of his way, and Bear started for Mac's quarters.

Bear was a little startled when Smythe surged ahead of him and pushed the button to call the lift. They got on, and Smythe told it where to go, then put it into express mode. They were soon getting off and headed for Mac's quarters. Bear walked right in the living quarters, then went to the bedroom and lay Mac on her bed. In all that time, she hadn't moved a muscle, except to breath. How does she turn the extra gravity on?

Smythe was already taking her boots off. When he had done that, he stood up straight and quietly said, "Computer, set gravity on MacDowell's bed to Gaelund normal."

As the woman sank a little further into the mattress, she sighed and mumbled, "Thank you, Smit."

The 2 men walked back into the hallway. "Thank you for your assistance, Mr Smythe."

"I knew she wouldn't really sleep well until she was in her own gravity well," Smythe returned. "Thank you for getting her home. I hope it isn't a frequent thing you have to do."

"No, it's not," Bear answered. "Just when she isn't capable of getting there on her own. This batch of injuries has been hard on her."

"Yes," Smythe agreed, and let the subject drop. With a curt nod, he walked off.

Just like I thought. He cares about her. What about her? Did their engagement mean anything to her?

If at First... & Try...

If at First… 

Month 15 Day 3

1947 Hours

Capac

Capac looked up from his display of cards on the rec room table and frowned at the redhead who now sat opposite him. “I don’t need you telling me how to play solitaire.”

“I won’t,” Mac stated, and placed another deck of cards on the table, shoved it towards him. “If you’ll shuffle my deck for me.” Her green eyes regarded him hopefully.

He put down the cards he held and picked up hers. After shuffling the deck 3 times, he handed it back to her. She smiled her thanks and started setting out her own game, using just her left hand, since her right was in a sling.

“How long are you going to be in that sling?” he asked.

She grimaced in frustration. “I don’t know. Maybe another week, but I swear that’s what they said a week ago.”

“Maybe you should ask for some healing ray for the shoulder.”

“I have. I’m scheduled for a 3-hour session tomorrow evening. But I shouldn’t expect miracles.”

“What’s that mean?”

“Apparently, ligaments are harder to heal than bruises. Even for healing rays.”

“What rotten luck for you.”

“I’m going to be a leftie by the time I get out of this sling.”

He watched her manipulate her cards rather haphazardly. “You don’t seem very good with your left hand.”

She gave him a half-angry glare. “It’s been typing all day; it’s tired.”

“Typing?”

“Light duty,” she responded, and stopped playing to brush a wayward strand of hair behind her ear. “I can’t even play pool.”

“Why not see a movie? You and Bugs used to do that regularly.”

"Used to," she agreed, and let the suggestion drop.

Somebody further down the table cleared his throat. "Do you want to go to the movie, Mac? I'd be happy to go with you and keep the riff-raff away."

She turned her head to consider the man for a moment. When she spoke, it was without any heat, but with a touch of hardness. "I'm still capable of taking care of myself. I don't need that. I just—" She sighed and returned to her game. "I just need someone to shuffle my cards between games."

"I could do that," said another voice, and Mac looked over her shoulder to Mr Smythe.

"Capac has already agreed," she stated.

Smythe gave the navigator a calculating look. "Perhaps he'd rather organize a game of poker."

"No," Capac returned shortly. The last 3 times I did that, I wasn't even allowed to play, so where's the fun in that?

Mac stopped playing to turn around in her chair. "Am I to stop speaking to Capac?"

Smythe's eyes widened in surprise. "I never said that."

"Not in so many words," she answered coldly.

The engineer sighed and backed up a step. "I'll let you play your game in peace." He turned away and headed for the drink dispenser.

Mac turned back to the table and gave a quiet sigh of relief. "Thank you, Capac."

"Sure," he said automatically, while inside he wondered, What did I do? He glanced at her game and then took another, closer look. "Mac, you can't..."

She held up a finger to stop him. "We agreed not to comment on each other's playing."

"But it's an obvious mistake!"

She gave him a withering look. "It depends on what rules you play with."

Capac scoffed. "It's not solitaire if the rules let you put a black 5 on a black 6!"

"What?" She studied her cards and grimaced, began taking the game apart. "That's what I get for playing cards while I'm thinking about engineering."

"You're on light duty. Besides, I didn't think anything about engineering was over your head."

"I wouldn't say that," she returned. She smiled and said, "It would sound like bragging." She handed her deck of cards over for him to shuffle. "Anyway, it's not human engineering I'm thinking about; it's Yukoskian. And nobody aboard this ship understands that any better than I do. Which is to say, nobody really understands it."

"Well, that didn't sound conceited at all," he smirked and handed her shuffled cards back to her. "Didn't you learn all sorts of Yukoskian stuff while you two were in one body?"

"Not as much as you'd expect," she answered. "What I did learn didn't stick around long after we separated."

"So you really are as much in the dark as everybody else."

She shrugged her good shoulder. "Well, I know the language, and Kolla's always willing to give instructions. I just have to make sense of..." She stopped to consider a card she had just set atop another in setting up her game. "Capac, how much distance would you say is between these 2 cards?" Would you say half a hair's width?"

"No, I would say one is sitting on top the other."

"You might be right," she agreed and flashed him a big smile. "I wonder if I've just solved our problem."

"By playing cards?"

"Could be," she answered, but shook her head, as if to shake the thought away. "Well, I'll research that later. Right now, I promised myself an hour of solitaire."

Capac looked at her in disbelief. "Solitaire is a treat for you?"

Again, she shrugged her good shoulder. "It's a way to relax. Isn't that why you play?"

He left the question unanswered. I play it out of boredom. Pure boredom.

 

 

Try…

Month 15 Day 4

1559 Hours

Smitty

Smitty walked into his office just as Colleen was logging off the computer. "Lt, could you stay for just a moment?"

She didn't look surprised by the request, but she did glance at the clock. "Of course, sir."

Smitty glanced at it, too. It was still seconds before she was officially off duty. "Have you made any progress in automating the daily schedule?" Best to keep this work related until she's— There, now I can ask what I really want to ask.

"The program is ready for Oakhurst to look over," she answered. "I was going to ask if I should send it to him in the morning."

"By all means, do that," he answered quickly. "Would you join me in the privacy dining hall for dinner? Afterwards, I thought we could see the movie. You must be bored, with your forms of entertainment being so curtailed while you heal."

"I can't," she answered at once. "I'm due at Sick Bay for physical therapy."

"We can do it after physical therapy," he suggested doggedly.

"I'm scheduled for 3 hours of healing ray for my shoulder," she revealed. "I've been promised a drink afterward that will satisfy my hunger. Or so I'm told. So all I'll have to worry about is getting some sleep."

"I'll come meet you after the healing ray is done, see that you get home okay," he stated.

She made a slight grimace with her mouth, which quickly faded away. "I've already made arrangements for that." She made a point of looking at the clock. "May I go, sir? I don't want to be late."

At least she made excuses, and didn't just say no. I don't know if that means she's warming up to me again or not. "Yes, your health is important. Go ahead and go."

"Thank you, sir," she said, and left his office.

Yesterday, she preferred Capac's company. Tonight, I suppose Bugalu is seeing her home after the healing ray. If she had any feelings for me, you'd think she'd make some time for me in her schedule. Other than work. Unless... unless she doesn't dare, seeing how easy it was for us to slip into 'talk'. I can hope that's the problem, but if it is... how do I overcome it? If she finds herself alone with me, she retreats into anger.

A Forced Conversation

 Month 15 Day 2

1706 Hours

Smitty

Smitty was leaning against the bulkhead when Colleen emerged from sick bay. He stood up straight as soon as he saw her, and she stopped short, a sudden frown on her face. "What are you doing here?" she demanded.

"I thought I'd accompany you to wherever you're going. To make sure you get there okay."

She turned toward the lift. "I'm not an invalid."

"No, but yesterday you were supposed to have an escort from sick bay, which somehow failed to happen, and things didn't go so well."

"I made do."

"With some help from... friends," he pointed out. "I figured it would be better if help was more readily available. Just in case something happens tonight."

"I wasn't under the healing ray today."

"No, you weren't there long enough," he agreed. "But still, since I'm here, I thought we could walk together. And maybe... talk."

"I told you—"

"I know what you said. And I'm trying to respect your feelings. But at the same time, I need to know what I've said or done, or haven't said or done, that has you so upset. Without knowing that, I can't decide what I can or cannot change. And that puts us at a complete standstill." He stopped walking, a hand on her arm to get her to face him. "I don't want to be at a standstill. I want to get past this. To set things right. I still want to marry you, Colleen."

Her jaw worked. She stared up the corridor, and then down the corridor, and finally, at him again. "I don't like the opinion you have of me, Smit."

His eyebrows bunched in confusion. "I have the highest regard for your skills and knowledge."

"That's professional. I was speaking of personal."

His confusion deepened. "I'm sorry, I still don't understand." Please don't use my confusion as a reason to shut down again, Colleen. Give me a chance. "I just told you I still want to marry you."

"Yes, there's an unspoken 'despite everything' clinging to that statement."

"What?"

Her mouth hardened. Her eyes smoldered, but she took half a step closer to him and bit out, "You are so sure I will cheat on you, that you felt the need to warn me against it, when describing our future life together. It’s obvious you think I've already cheated on you. I don't have any idea why you think that, or when I'm supposed to have done it, when we were only together for 3 weeks, and we were practically inseparable during that time! It seems to me that if you can't bring yourself to trust me, then we have no business getting married!" She took a deep breath and stepped back. "Now, if you don't mind, I was headed home. I've been neglecting my projects this past month."

"Your projects?" He turned to walk with her.

"Yes, my Yukosk dictionary and book on their grammar. Plus I think if I reread Kolla's letters, I may find a clue about the solidifying problem we've been experiencing with the teleportation system."

"Are you sure you wouldn't rather go to a rec room and play some kind of game?" he suggested. Anything to prolong this contact with you, even as contentious as it's been. Even this is better than no contact at all.

She barely glanced at him before she started to walk off. "I think you've forgotten my current limitations."

Blast, yes, she can't play a game with her arm in a sling. "A movie, then. We could go see the movie."

She stopped and turned halfway around to stare at him. "Mr Smythe, that sounds like a date request. I'm not ready to date. Anybody."

"But..."

She started off again. "Perhaps Nurse Monroe would be interested. If she doesn't already have plans."

Who's Nurse Monroe? The name brought no face to mind, and in any case, he didn't care. He wasn't interested in spending time with anybody that wasn't Colleen MacDowell. How do I show her that I trust her if I can't spend any time with her? Can I trust her? To do that, I'd have to know, without any doubt, that she isn't carrying someone else's child. But that's medical information, and beyond the scope of what can be revealed to me as her supervisor. Even being her mentor doesn't give me that right. Only being her husband would. And here you go, Smitty, all tangled up in a web of maybes with no way to find your way out. He let out a deep breath, feeling defeated.

She paused several feet away and glanced back for a second, and let out her own breath, sounding... frustrated, if nothing else. "Okay, I will allow you to walk me home, if you promise not to talk about... personal matters."

He hurried to catch up with her, happy for the chance to spend some time with her, whatever the restrictions. As they walked, he tried to think of some subject to talk about that she wouldn't consider too personal. "How did you and Lt Bugalu meet?"

Her mouth became a thin line for a moment before she answered. "He was my brother's roommate at the Academy. And that's all I'm going to say on that subject. Try another one."

He wasn't sure what to say. "How did you meet Lt Tall Bear?"

"Yellow Dog and I needed someone to spot for us in the gym, and he and Ferguson looked like they could handle it. Why are you only asking how I met various men?"

"Okay, how did you meet Yellow Dog?"

"We were both left to our own devices until the Fireball arrived to claim us, us having been assigned here. It was a lot easier to entertain ourselves when there were 2 of us."

"But there were 3 of you, when you came aboard," he protested. He couldn't remember the other woman, but he did remember there were 3 of them.

"Nurse Monroe didn't actually show up in the Fleet waiting quarters until about half an hour before the Fireball arrived. It was pretty plain as soon as she arrived that she had no interest in being friendly. Which, I've gathered since then, is pretty normal for her. Is that the best you can do, to keep asking how I met people? I'd rather talk about the paperwork you've had me do. Like the daily rosters. Why haven't you automated that?"

"That's work," he pointed out. "And we're off duty."

"I don't mind if you don't. It seems a much more interesting subject than explaining how I've met everybody."

Far less personal, too. Which is how she wants it. But I know so little about her, on a personal level. Bide your time, Smitty. Talk to her on a professional level first, and maybe she'll let the conversation get more personal. Eventually. "It didn't seem important to have it be automated," he answered. "It only takes half an hour or less to fill it in each day. To automate it..."

"Is less difficult than I think you think it is. I've almost written the program for it already. I could write it, if you want me to, and let Oakhurst check it over. Then, instead of half an hour a day to fill out the roster, it would only take you 5 minutes to check it over, sign it and send it up to the captain's desk."

Well, that would surprise the captain, wouldn't it? he thought. And why haven't I had Oakhurst automate it? They arrived at the lift and waited for it. "Tell me how you would do that," he requested.